Alone Inside
by Fire Lady Ursa
Summary: two shot. One sided Kai/Rei. Not pretty ending. I made it more complicated. Hehe....
1. Chapter 1

I loved you.  
I tried to show you.  
I gave you everything.  
My love, my heart, my soul, my spirit.  
Everything. I tried to make you see, understand  
I expected to be burned – the Phoenix Prince? Who wouldn't.  
But I had always hoped,  
That you cared as well.

When I told you, that evening as the sun set.  
I was hopeful.  
You shattered me.  
I had poured out my heart for you.  
I had reached out,  
Hoped to touch your heart.  
You all but laughed at me.  
But you didn't even give me that emotion.

You told me that you were leaving.  
Returning to Russia with Tala.  
And that, you didn't want me to follow you.  
I died a little, on the inside  
Because I knew what you meant.  
You never wanted to see me again.

I held on, for months.  
I hoped you would call. Ask me to visit.  
You never did. I was afraid to call you.

I saw, on the news today  
You and Tala had gone public.  
You looked happier than I had ever seen you.  
I had had the phone in my hand,  
When it came on  
I just dropped it.

It wasn't worth it.  
I wouldn't shatter your heaven.  
The peace you deserve.  
With a man you deserve.  
I won't discuss why Tala  
Is so much better than me.  
That isn't what this is about.

I hope, that you are happy.  
That you have found the peace  
That you truly deserve.  
As for me, don't worry.  
I won't bother you  
Any more.

I love you.  
I have always loved you.  
I could never forget the feeling I had  
And I won't try.  
Instead, I sit alone tonight  
Contemplating.

The others all thought  
That if one of us would hurt themselves  
It was you, with your darkness, and brooding  
They were wrong.  
For all of that, they were wrong  
Emotions, hard and deep  
Uncontrollable, and intolerable now  
The don't even know  
That I love you  
Much less  
That I told you

Do you ever think of me,  
Phoenix Prince?  
Do I ever cross your mind?  
If I took my life tonight  
Would you care?  
If someone told you what I was planning  
Would you try and stop me?  
If someone told you  
That the scars on my arms  
Were not made by accidents  
Would you be angry?  
Or would you just let it go?

The knife that sits by the bed  
Is the only thing that gives me control  
Of the agony found  
Within my heart.

I lie awake at night,  
Looking at that picture of you  
I roll over  
And cry myself to sleep at night  
When I can't look any more

The others don't know  
And I don't think they even care  
I've become more like you  
In the last month

Tyson comments constantly  
On how in my silence, I am too like you  
They say I brood like you,  
And it's hard not to snap  
And tell them that I  
Could never be as perfect as you.  
They wouldn't understand the point  
I know that

But it's still hard.  
Maybe, in your vices, I am like you  
I have more of a temper than ever  
I almost hurt Tyson last night  
I'm losing my grip  
My control  
My patience.

I can't take the pain in silence any more  
The scars run deeper than the flesh  
Sometimes I can hardly speak  
Sometimes, I can barely keep from crying  
In front of the others

The blade meets pale flesh  
Blood wells up,  
But it doesn't help  
I don't feel better  
I never do.  
But somehow  
The physical pain  
Is easier to handle  
Than the emotional

I cry any way  
As the blood flows  
And I wonder, if this time  
I will wait too long  
To stop the blood  
Pouring down my arm  
With my head hanging,  
Tears join the pool of blood on the floor  
I yearn to let go  
To just bleed

But I know better  
I don't have the guts,  
To let myself bleed out on the floor.  
Tomorrow maybe  
I will have the heart  
To end it, before someone else gets hurt  
For tonight,  
I will cry.

And I'll think on the memory of you and him  
And I'll try and be happy for you.  
At least one of us  
Is happy.  
If I am still here  
And Tala ever hurts you  
I will destroy him  
He may be better for you  
But I will not tolerate a mistake  
On his part.

If he ever makes you cry  
And I learn of it.  
I will kill him.  
I hope

You will never read this  
But if you do,  
Just remember  
I will always love you

I only want  
What is best for you  
Don't worry about me  
Even if I am never alright again  
I am glad that you will be.

Maybe, one day  
I can smile for you  
Maybe one day  
Everything will be alright  
Or not.

"Kai." The dual toned teen answered his phone, with an almost concerned tone of voice. The area code was Chinese, he'd memorized it as the one a phone call from Rei, or the Tigers would have.

"Why do you want me to meet you there?"

"If I refuse?"

"Fine. I'll come."

Some days later, Kai entered the small village that he had only visited once or twice in the past. Rei's home village. The people he passed glared at him with a fury that he had never anticipated from those who had welcomed him so kindly less than a year before. Kevin and Mariah in particular seemed vicious in their glares. Where is Rei? I know he had Lee call me, but this is ridiculous. As if I didn't know Lee wouldn't call me on his own. I wonder what he wanted, any way.

A little a head, he saw Lee leaning against a wall, staring at him. "I almost didn't expect you to show."

"Where is Rei," Kai's voice was completely calm.

"You really don't get it. Do you?" Lee said coldly. "I brought you here, because he killed himself. I thought you should know. Also, I thought you should know, that we consider it to be your fault. The letter he left, was addressed to you, though I do not think he intended you to ever read it."

"He...no way. Not Rei." Kai was disbelieving.

"He did. He slit his writs. Blood Everywhere. Mariah found him." Lee said coolly, as he held out several sheets of paper folded together. There were blood stains on the paper, Kai noticed as he took it from Lee.

[The beginning of the letter is the Poem that makes up the beginning of the fan fic.]

I'm sorry, Kai. I couldn't keep going any more. You'll never read this. You'll never care. I know. But I had to write it anyway. I had to say my good bye, even though you'd never know the difference. Hm. Maybe you'll never even learn that I took my own life.

Good bye, My love.

Rei


	2. Chapter 2

**[A/N: Yeah...so I thought that the depressing fix deserved a second piece. It can still stand as is, but I thought you all might like to see Kai's response. R&R]**

I had only wanted to protect him. I'd left, because I thought, if I was away from him...if I left him alone, he's pull himself together. He'd move on, and everything would be okay. I didn't want to hurt him, so I left him.

I didn't know that it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I didn't know that he would never recover. I didn't know...I thought he'd bounce back...he'd realize that I was a bad choice anyway. Or...at the very least try and contact me. He never did. I just...I assumed that he had moved on, when he never called.

I was wrong.

Tala's called about ten times, since I left Rei's Village. I haven't answer yet. I don't want to. I don't want to talk to him. Or anyone else, for that matter. I've been left messages by the other blade breakers, cussing me up one side and down the other. I can't blame them.

Now I stand on the ledge of a cliff, staring into the sunset – as if I'm seeing it for the first time. The wind is stronger up here, my hair's blowing all over the place, my scarf and clothing with it. I notice, but I don't care, even when my scarf completely blows off in the wind. It's colder up here, too. The air's thinner, and I have to breathe more deeply.

My phone rings again, it's Tala, I can tell by the ring tone. I don't even pick it up to look at it. Don't consider answering his eleventh … or twelfth call.

"Why Rei? Why didn't call? Or move on? How...can I have meant so much to you? I've always been a loner – cold and cruel. Why...?" the words were lost in wind that lashed at me mercilessly.

I had found his journal. They let me into his home – I think that they knew how much it would hurt, to see the blood. The unsteady writing that gave me a window into a mind that I shattered.

Yes, I was heartless. I had been made this way, by a world too cruel for Rei's innocence and beauty. I had wanted to protect him from it...so I shut him out. How could I have allowed such beauty be destroyed by the world I exist in?

I couldn't.

And yet, that was my mistake. Trying to shield him. The phone cuts through my reverie again. I finally answer.

"I don't want to talk."

"Tala. I'm not discussing it."

"Don't call again."

I hang up the phone without another word.

Jumping is quite an appealing idea. But I won't. I'll live my torture. Like Rei did. I'm going to go home, and break it off it Tala. If I'm feeling particularly daring, I'll answer one of the calls from Tyson, so he can curse me out himself. I'll probably fight back. But...

I wonder if I'll last as long as Rei did, before losing my mind. Before cutting to control my emotions...Again. I wonder how long I'll last before I go a little too far with the knife, and let go. And join my Tiger in the dark emptiness of death.

---------

"It's complicated. I just...I can't do this anymore, Tala." Kai's voice was very calm.

"This...it's so sudden."

"I'm sorry. I've got to go." He walked out.

--------

A year later.

Kai stared at the knife, contemplating it as he always did. He hadn't ever picked it up. He hadn't cut himself since long before he'd learned of Rei's death. Light glinted off the blade, mocking him.

He picked up the knife without a sound, sinking down onto the floor of the bathroom. Ice cold steel pressed against tender pale flesh. A hiss escaped his lips as he pressed down, pressing the razor sharp metal into his skin. Life's blood – the color of Dranzer's feathers – welled up from the tiny cut, flowing across the cream colored skin. Red on white. Such a pretty combination.

With the blood flowed tears, and pain. Anger, self-hatred. They seemed to drain away with his blood and his strength. Kai made a handful of cuts on the unmarked skin before carefully cleaning the knife and bandaging his arm.

--------

Six Months Later...

I don't blade anymore. Ever. Dranzer gathers dust on the shelf. I derive too much pleasure and satisfaction from blading. Emotions I don't deserve. I don't sleep, unless I pass out first, and then I get up as soon as I am able. I don't eat until I'm dizzy from hunger and about to collapse.

I exercise incessantly, I drive myself to my limits, even without blading. I've lost so much weight. If any of my friends...or old teammates, could see me now, they'd worry. You...You would …. I know know what you would do.

Some days, I can barely raise my head due to weakness. I get sick easily. I have almost no immune system. My arms are covered in sliver-white scars that are the results of my cutting. My legs bear scars as well, now.

I am even more of a shell than I was the day I denied you. There's...nothing left. I am nothing any more. I barely live, now. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost myself in my pain. I rarely see outside any more. Even more rare, is the occasion that I see another human.

---------

"I found him like this." Bryan's voice was strange, deadly calm but it had a tinge of bitter pain behind it.

Tala was crying – Spencer held him while Bryan spoke to the doctors who had arrived on scene. The whole team was a mess. Except Bryan, who was hiding it the best.

It had been a shock, seeing him like this. Covered in scars, weighing next to nothing – severely emaciated, with dark circles under his eyes as if he never slept.

Bryan knew that he dead, there was no question in his mind. "It'll be alright Tala." He said gently, moving towards the red head finally. "He's at peace now."

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!" Tala half screamed.

"Simple. He was torturing himself, ever since Rei's suicide. In death, he's at peace. No more pain. No more self harm. No more starvation. No more illness. It's for the best."


End file.
